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| and i try and i try and i try and i try and i try and i try......... | | |
| so today was my "debut" with the GrX SF worship team.
worship is an interesting thing. music is an interesting thing.
as some of you may know, for a big portion of my life, pride has been an issue for me. i like being good at whatever/everything that i do. i like to wow people. i like to break expectations.
and the area of music is no exception.
for my first two years of college, i was a part of this amazing a cappella group on campus called "Gimble". i loved singing with them. i loved performing with them. i loved feeling the waves of sound swell and crest, more alive than we who were creating it.
but going into that second semester of sophomore year, i was hit smack dab in the face with the realization that i had a ridiculous amount of pride in it. and it's hard to get away from that in performing -- in essence, you stand in front of people and say, look at me and be amazed at how good i am.
and so, i made the hard decision to leave the group. of course, there were other considerations as well, and i also left to be able to have time to serve on a ministry team at my college church.
but....... even in choosing a ministry team to serve with, i knew i couldn't do worship. i knew my heart couldn't handle it correctly. and i prayed, God, i don't know when my heart with be ready or when it'll be okay for me to come to music again.. but i know it's not now --- and so i stepped away from music for almost 3 full years.
when i was living in Japan, my church there asked me to join and help the worship team. for the first time since junior year of high school, i found myself serving with a worship team again. and standing on that stage, singing praises to God... i was apprehensive to say the least. but to my amazement, my heart was filled with joy. so many times during my brief period of serving at New Hope Yokohama, i would catch myself saying to myself, "this, this is what i'm made for!"
and as i begin to serve again here... i know that God has given me this voice and this love of music for a reason. i don't think i am the most talented of musicians, but i also won't play the fake-modesty card -- i know God has given me a gift. i just pray... Lord, help my heart be right. singing praises to You out of desire for recognition or pride is empty.
Keep my heart right. | | |
| The first in weeks with nothing on the schedule. This upcoming week as well -- it's been a while since I've had any space in my schedule.
Using "schedule" twice in two sentences. Mrs. Couzens would turn in her grave. If she were dead. Strange thought.
What to do on such a Sunday afternoon? The kitchen hasn't been cleaned in a while, but I majorly cleaned the rest of the apartment just last Saturday. The beautiful weather and blue skies ask if I would like to go on a run -- come, be healthy!, they say. But in my oversized sweatshirt and on my comfortable couch, I find it hard to push myself to change. Four hours until church. I should do something. Laundry?
Laundry.
So here I sit in the laundromat. The change machine is out of order again, and before me lies an Americano with a double shot and a bag of white cheddar cheese flavored popcorn -- representations of my search for quarters along Cortland Avenue. "If it weren't Sunday -------." Will my attempt at laundry be foiled? The $3 I have managed to exchange won't even buy me a single wash cycle.
Oh vending machine, you are my only remaining hope.
One dollar. Four quarters fall.
One more. Four more.
Should I risk another dollar? Flashbacks of this very machine swallowing my five dollar bill come crowding into my mind.
One dollar. Four quarters come tumbling down.
My voyage for productivity on a Sunday afternoon has been granted permission to continue. | | |
| i like watching my heart beat. | | |
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